Transitions

Both of my big boys have had some big milestones this month.

First, Nic had his last speech therapy session through Early Intervention. He has "aged out" of the system and will continue with our new school district. We had his IEP meeting and I was please with the plan that our current district provided, and now we are hoping that the new district will fully implement it. Even though I like the new plan, I am ridiculously sad that he is ending EI, because he adores his speech therapist. On days that she visited he spent all morning checking out the window for her, and on days she wasn't visiting Nic would badger me for information about when she was coming. He made tremendous progress with her help. We are so grateful for all the hard work she did with Nic.

Tommy has graduated from preschool and will be moving on to Kindergarten in the Fall. He is sorry to leave his friends and his beloved teachers, but I'm sure he will be making plenty of new friends at his new school. He is certainly ready for some new challenges, and I'm really excited about his new school. He took some pictures on his last day, and he has this new pose-thing going on, it's pretty cute, and no, I have no idea where he got it from:

Whirlwind

We've moved!

On Tuesday I finished cleaning and turned in the keys to our old apartment. Despite my overwhelming desire to move to a larger space I was a little choked up when I called our landlord to say goodbye. We made many important and special memories in that little place, and I was the tiniest bit sad to leave. Then I went home and put my dishes in my new dishwasher and did a load of laundry in my washer and dryer and felt much, much better. Appliances are glorious things!

Moves are awful. Our move was no exception, and we ended up not getting the large size truck that we ordered and had to make two trips with a small truck so it dragged out all day. I will spare you the details except to tell you that we were abundantly blessed with help and that the rain held off for most of the day, so it was much better than it otherwise could have been.

Our new house is AMAZING. I love it. I am loving having storage space and appliances and the kids adore their backyard. Our neighbors seem very friendly and we are looking forward to life on a cul-de-sac. It is so quiet at night now that we aren't living on top of the train tracks. We are all sleeping much better. We have moved cities to be closer to Nic's hospital (a good choice since he has been to the ER twice in the last week), but chose a location that is not too far from my #1 best-ever Tuesday women's bible study and our church and all of our DG/Westmont friends. There will be no pictures until I get things sorted out...and that will be some time because the little boys and I are spending the summer in California. We FOOLISHLY decided to come within days of our move (actually we didn't have a choice because we have an important family event), but let me tell you that it has been a very stressful week and I think I forgot 30% of the things I should have packed and left another 20% behind because it was on the bottom of some box and I couldn't find it. Ugh.

On top of all that fun stuff we have all been sick. Tommy brought something nasty home from school, and so we've all been sick. Jeff and Nic have had it the worst, and Nic has been in the ER twice in the last week. He was at our regular ER on Friday for fever, then in again today in California for fever/dehydration/vomiting. His hemoglobin is really low and he is probably the sickest he's ever been. Poor child is so miserable and beyond tired of being stuck and sitting around in the hospital. His little veins didn't even have a chance to recover from his last trip into the ER.

I think that wraps it up. I intend to post some cute graduation pictures of Tommy and Nic very soon. Hopefully writing out my intent will motivate me to do it tomorrow...as soon as I get those suitcases unpacked!

Kenny's First Haircut, and Dad's First Time With Scissors

Update on Mary: PET Scan Results

The PET scan Mom had this week confirmed (as we knew) that her cancer has spread to her abdominal wall. It did not reveal any other spread, which was a huge relief. Also, it appears that her pancreatic tumor has decreased activity, which is good. She has to go in for another scan in three months, because the radiation should continue to work against her pancreatic tumor.
In the meantime, she was not able to do chemo this week because her white blood cell counts were too low. This was very discouraging, because she knows she needs to fight those little spreading tumors. She is hoping to be able to do chemo next week, so please pray for an increase in her white blood cells. Also, pray that the chemo would effectively contain and fight the new cancer growth.
Next week mom will meet with both of her oncologists to discuss her options for future chemotherapy. She will also see a nutritionist (who is also an MD) to find out if there is anything she can be doing to better support her immune system. Please pray for wisdom for all of her doctors and a good plan for her future.
If you read my last post you know it has been a rough week for our family due to the loss of my Dad's mother. We are all kind of in a fog, and very worn out emotionally. Thank you for continuing to lift Mom and our family up in prayer. We appreciate it so much!

Well Done

This morning my Grandma Cox died. Tommy, upon hearing the news, asked if she was already in heaven or if she was still "rising to heaven." It's interesting viewing this event through his eyes, because he is a little confused about our sadness. He keeps saying, "but the good news is, she's with Jesus, right?" And, if I'm being totally honest, he is also really hoping that she is hanging out with Jackie Robinson. A few weeks back when Grandma suffered the stroke that led to this, his response to learning that Great Gran was on hospice was as follows:

Tommy: If Great Gran dies she will go to be in heaven because she loves God and UCLA.

Me: Well, really it's just because she loves God, but the UCLA part is good too.

Tommy: Well, she will be happy to be in heaven because she can hang out with Jackie Robinson and he played for UCLA.

I know all the Trojans out there are shaking their heads at this slight theological misunderstanding, but Grandma Cox, a Bruin to her core, would have been proud at his conflation. She had a great sense of humor and that little anecdote would have made her smile.

Tommy is stuck on the tension between the sorrow of those who miss a loved one's presence and the knowledge that the person you love is with their creator and that they will spend eternity basking in His love and glory. He understands the second part, but he is having trouble comprehending what missing Great Gran will mean, because he hasn't experienced death personally yet. For those of us who have repeatedly experienced loss, we cry because we know about the void. We know about wanting to relate a story, or make a phone call, or give a hug to someone who is no longer there to receive it. Absence hurts.

However, if Tommy is going to get stuck on something, I want it to be the victory. While we will certainly be talking more about why sadness is appropriate when someone dies, I'm thankful that he can see the big picture; Grandma's death is our loss, but her gain. While I think it is easier to say these words about a woman who spent many years here on earth, who had lots of time to follow Christ and bear His fruit, and who experienced a physical and mental decline that made death a release, for anyone in Christ, no matter their age or health or how much they have accomplished, death is always a victory. As Paul reminds us in his letter to the Philippians, "...to live is Christ, and to die is gain." We were created to be with our Lord, and now Grandma Cox is with Him, worshiping Him, glorifying Him, she is without pain, without sorrow, and without tears. What a blessing. What a victory.

Grandma Cox leaves an impressive legacy. Four children, fifteen grandchildren, and 22 great grandchildren (I'm counting the three on the way). Most importantly, her love for God has permeated the generations; she was a role model of faith, love, and wisdom. I will always remember her for her wit, her love of grammar (and pointing out grammatical errors), her quick mind, her generosity, her love and acceptance of all of her great grandchildren, and her compassion towards us when we were hurting. Grandma always had a bottle of chewable vitamin C in her cupboard, a full tank of Sparkletts, and a tin stuffed with Fig Newtons. She loved to travel, and I always admired her for taking off on her adventures, whether it was a trip to England or a jaunt up the coast with her dear friend Jaquie. For the last few years Grandma had not been able to get out much, but you could always count on her to greet you with a smile when you stopped by her home. For the past few years she has been lovingly cared for by two very dear women, Elizabeth and Jojo, and our family could not have asked for warmer or more compassionate women to assist her. Their care allowed Grandma to stay in her home until the end, which was her desire. Not everyone gets to die in their sleep, in their home, at an old age, at peace with their family and their maker. Grandma was blessed to do so, and we are blessed to be her descendants and to carry on her legacy. I am thankful that she chose to live a life worthy of emulation. As sad as it is for those of us who now live in her absence, I know that this morning she stood in His presence.

Well done, good and faithful servant.

Well done.

Update on Mary: PET Scan

This is going to be a quick one because today has been a rough one:
Mom's PET scan tomorrow was pushed back to the early afternoon, which means she has to fast for most of the day. When she cannot eat she generally experiences more pain, so please pray that she would not be in pain tomorrow, that the scan would go smoothly, and that she and my dad and our whole family will have peace as we await the results. We will not know anything until Friday. It's going to be a very long week.
Thank you all for your continued prayers...they sustain us.

Breaking and Mending

Tomorrow we begin our five year milestones. Tomorrow is five years from the day we sat in the ultrasound room, shocked and confused, while the doctor patiently and carefully explained that our daughter would not live past birth. Five years from having to make phone calls and tell family and friends that the happy event we had all been anticipating would be bitter and difficult, and yet still precious. Five years from planning a funeral instead of attending a baby shower. Five years since having all of our expectations of what life and family would look like shattered.

When you are losing and grieving life stops. It's paralyzing, and you have to step back and insulate yourself while you process and mourn and work through what normal looks like in light of your new situation. It's hard work. It's exhausting, and at times defeating, but eventually you come back to a new equilibrium and then you can begin to progress again with making decisions and making plans and, well, living. Then you hit an anniversary or an event that takes you back to that raw place. It isn't for as long, but it reminds you how deep the pain of loss runs. It never goes away.

In the last five years our life has changed in ways we could never imagine. We have come so far, and yet the sorrow still feels so near sometimes. I am so thankful for the three beautiful boys God has added to our family, and very aware that I wouldn't have them now if I still had Leah. But I want them all. Always, I want them all.

Yet I am so glad, that if I had to experience this suffering and this despair and this brokenness that I also have been able to testify to healing, and redemption, and transformation. God has done a great deal with us in these last five years. He has been patching us up and mending us day by day and week by week and year by year.

As I continue in the cycle of breaking and mending through death and sickle cell disease and cancer and all the weight of the hard things that will come, I am continuously mindful that God has provided so graciously for us, that He has cared so deeply about binding my breaks and plastering over my wounds, and that He has placed so many of you in our lives to do the heavy lifting of bearing our burdens, of carrying us when we falter, and of encouraging us on. To our families, our dear friends, the people of St. Andrews, First Pres, and First B, and all of you who have followed along via the blog and lifted us up in prayer, thank you for your contribution to our healing and growth these last five years. God has used you powerfully in our lives. You testify to us of His grace and mercy through your care.